I have been chastised often for daring to need a man in my life as a means to increase my happiness through loneliness reduction.
It is as though by having the audacity to need an intimate partner, I am declaring I am insufficient, less of a person.
Guess what.
I am insufficient.
For me.
But to be judged as wrong for acknowledging this imcompleteness and inability to find “all” I need within myself, or with God, or with my wonderful friends, well, it’s wrong.
I need a man.
I just do.
When God made Adam, He looked at his creation and said “Hmm… it’s not good for this person to be alone.” There, in the Garden of Eden, with everything Adam could hope to have, including the ability to actually have a conversation with God, it still wasn’t enough. There was still a need.
I don’t live in the Garden.
I do not have audible conversations where I hear from God as a friend and companion.
So, it stands to reason that I’m not crazy for needing “more”.
God knew. So, he made Adam a companion – an intimate companion. Not a friend. An intimate companion.
In the last couple of weeks, I have met two men.
And the incredible feeling of loneliness,
the aching, overwhelming pulling my entrails out of my wretched throat pain of being alone
the wracking cries of despair at God
have gone
away
Away.
Every day I hear from them. One for sure I know his intentions.
The other?
I do not know explicitly. And I don’t have to right now.
It is enough that he makes me laugh and think and feel connected.
I don’t know how it’s going to go with either of them.
It is too soon to speculate or hope or dream.
But what I do know is I have not cried myself to sleep in nearly 2 weeks.
I have not awoken in the middle of the night so lonely I can hardly breathe
I have cried
for other reasons
But not out of the sheer hopelessness of drowning
A friend commented that I was singing.
I was.
When I am happy, I find myself singing.
These men.
They make me happy.
The connect with me and make me feel wanted.
Being with me makes them happier too.
My presence matters to them.
They want me.
And I like that.
It helps me not to cry.
That’s a win.