I didn’t want to sit there
in that parking lot
mouth on your crotch
or holding you in my hand, even.
You asked me if I wanted to
“see it”.
No.
No is always the answer.
I never want to peep.
It never, ever
fills me with awe, or excitement, or joy.
Or, peace.
Ever.
Until
Unless
you make me believe
you want me.
Until
Unless
I matter.
Until
Unless
looking at pieces of you
reveals an entirety
of something more, other.
But I couldn’t simply tell you that.
I had to tell you
something
nice
good
not true
so you wouldn’t go away,
so you’d
maybe
want me eventually.
To tell you I wanted to matter to you
It’s steep
Too dear to expose in a parking lot
on a thirty minute lunch
when you want my answer to just be
Yes.
How do I tell you that those desires are gifts you unlock
with soft kisses
eye contact
fingers on my face
protective embraces?
Give me
Security
Hope
Respect
How do I tell you that
making me
feel
believe
that you want me
is what makes me want to
see
taste
touch
to hold you with my tongue in reverence and awe
You asked me if I
wanted
you to come in my mouth.
The answer is
Maybe.
Maybe I could.
But right then,
right now,
no.
The questions you didn’t ask.
Do I want to be with you.
Do I want to feel you.
Do I want you to touch me.
Do I want what you’re wanting to give.
What do I want to give you.
You didn’t ask those.
You did once ask me
if
I wanted to be yours.
The answer I gave
I don’t know.
The answer I knew
Yes.
You see, each time we’d been together, I felt wanted. And then, we started something akin to making love, something that maybe would have led to that delicious carnality of satiety of being on a longer term basis, something that would have made me tell you Yes. I left you that day with hope, burgeoning security, respect.
And
You
Disappeared.
And weeks later, you asked for a peep show. And when I told you No, that I was an in-person only kind of girl, not a send-pictures kind of girl
You disappeared again.
And it left me hurt and frustrated, insecure, reduced.
Do you want to see it?
I don’t want coarse, cheap, common, clandestine.
I don’t want to be bawdy.
I don’t want to be a prop to a fantasy.
I want you to make
time
effort
I want your eyes to light up when you see me
to physically display affection
in public
I want to be pretty, worthy, dear, honored, recognized, acknowledged
to you
by you