What’s up? he asks.
Oh, nothing really. Just tired.
I need new vitamins
I need to take my vitamins
My good friend is having a meltdown and I need him to stay sane until this project is done but I love him and his well-being is more important than this project but this project threatens my home and sanity and finances and children and I cannot ignore that but I cannot be so trite to say that my life is so much more important than his life but I need him to stay sane and it’s hurting me that he’s not. And I don’t know what to do.
Just tired.
I told my daughter today that I would never be able to be her mother again and I can’t get over the heartache of it and breathing is nearly more than I can manage but I have to do math with the little guy. And reading. And speech. And he’s probably hungry.
Just tired.
My house is a mess and there is nowhere to put things and the deck that I so carefully cleaned off is a war zone with the construction materials and I worry that Josh will tear up my canvas in his carelessnes and rush to get on to the next thing and I dont’ know how to tell him to slow down without crushing him and I just want him to be considerate without me having to say so because he already knows how tenuous my life is but I don’t know that he can help it and if he could he would, wouldn’t he?
Just tired.
And I am scared to step on the scale to see what this latest round of stress is doing to me and I know I need to get back on hcg and continue this journey but I am just so tired. But if I stop now, in the midst of this tired I may lose all that I’ve gained thus far. And I cannot let that happen.
Just tired
And I worry about spending so much time with this new boyfriend and so much time away from my kids and I want to spend time with us all together but I also love this chance to be a human with someone who likes me and is so kind to me and feels so good and easy and I need that chance to have someone give back to me all that I give out and the rest and respite he offers must somehow make up for the time I feel like I’m stealing from my kids and I don’t even know that I am stealing from them but it feels like it and I do not know what to do and it weighs on me but not enough to figure out something else and I feel guilty for that too.
Just tired
I got a ticket yesterday. For $500. I don’t have the money to get insurance and I don’t have the money to pay the fine and this boat project and Josh keep adding up and I just want things to keep going and if I don’t pony up things might stop and I can’t have that but I’m going to be sunk and not have anything left and I am so worried and I don’t know how to get more and I know that is silly but I am so tired.
Just tired.
Money. it weighs. On everything. Hey mom, when we buy that bike you said I could get for Christmas… Hey mom, we should send this to Eme… Hey mom, I need new jeans. Both of mine have holes in the butt. Hey mom, can I have a Fanta? Hey driver, your gas light is on and the wheels are making a funny noise and the mileage has gone down on your van and you shoul probably get a tuneup oh, and insurance….
Just tired is all.
I need to write letters to my daughter. And get the stove adjusted so I can cook real food. And earn more money. And take the boys on hikes. And make sure they write letters to their sister. And talk to Eme regularly on the phone. And make sure we’re all clean. And I’d really like a decent haircut. And Einar needs a haircut. But I can’t justify $50 or more for a cut for me and it makes me cringe to spend $20 on a cut for him but he needs it and seriously, $20? A couple times a year? You’re stressing about that?? What kind of freak are you?
Nothing. I’m just tired.
And there is a spot in my right breast that sometimes really hurts. I can’t tell if it’s just hormones, or if it’s my lymph system fighting off a cold or if it’s something I should go get seen for. And it doesn’t matter because I can’t get into the doctor anyway. And also, it goes away most of the time. But my heart has been beating funny again lately but I should just take my vitamins because it really helps me not to be so stressed out and when I have too much stress that tachycardia makes its appearance and I should probably be seen about that but what can they do anyway? A little coumadin?
No, I’m fine. Just a little tired.
But Einar’s toe. Now that has to get taken care of. For months. Because I cannot face a surgery recovery. Because he might as well get it amputated at this point. And I cannot keep all this spinning and I don’t know what to do about it because it really is all up to me because if I don’t do it, it ISN’T getting it done so those memes that tell me it isn’t all up to me are wrong.
Just tired.
And I want to do stuff with Josh’s photography website so photos can sell and maybe we can both earn money because we both really need it. But I don’t know when or how I’m supposed to do that. And there’s a new cleaning client to interview and I don’t want to add more physical labor to my week or more schedule more time away. I am just really tired.
And scared.
Scared to tell you all of this because you’ll tell me I’m ridiculous. Or come up with solutions that aren’t really solutions. Or tell me God doesn’t give more than I can handle. And this is all just off the top of my head and there’s so much more at any given time and the truth is I love my life and I will be fine but my margin is slim and its recent erosion I cannot sustain. And I don’t know what I’ll do when I run out of me. Because there is no one else to take care of these beings.
And I’m just so tired.