I wrote you today. Put it in an envelope and put a stamp on it. It’s in my purse, ready to find a mailbox tomorrow.
I see things all the time that I want to stamp into your heart
to make you believe
and I see the violence and control that my words hold
and I don’t really want that either.
I see how much my desire is controlled by fear
Fear that you’ll truly disappear.
Fear that I’ll fail you.
Fear that I won’t get to have you back.
I think I just want you to be ok.
But I don’t know what that looks like and maybe you being ok looks like something I wouldn’t like
and then,
am I courageous enough to be glad for you
when that happens?
Even though I am back to crying every day
sometimes more than once
or twice
a day
I don’t rail at God like I used to.
I am not back to desperation and utter loneliness
and hopeless futility.
But I can’t breathe.
I so want to know you’re ok.
I wonder how long I should wait before I get on a ferry to find out.
And then I remember my own life and realize it will be at least weeks before I can do that.
After the new year.
And I want to remind myself that it’s not been quite a week since you’ve gone
and that it’s not unreasonable to not have heard from you
but my gut doesn’t know what to think
and I do not have any assurance
or
peace.
And I want it.
I cannot relax wondering if you’re being loved there.
if anyone has given you a bed
if the job is happening
if there is grace and mercy for you
coming as you did in such a rough state.
I want someone to love you like I love you.
Someone to be your high tower
Someone who doesn’t need you to be anything but what you are
who has the resources to love you while you learn to be loved
And I miss you so fucking much
but my life continues to hurtle forward
and I don’t know if I should stop
or wait
or keep going with it
I have this chance, I think, to get a house
get my family
and I am so afraid
that letting that unfold
will lead to a suffocation
of my mind
and heart
and soul
that I’ll never be able to love this man
and that I’ll never be able to love
like I love you
It’s an unbearable choice.
I know I’m not choosing between you and him
I’m choosing between settling for something
in order to give my kids something
and maybe having to pay for that for the rest of my life
or not having to pay and instead dumping the guy when my kids’ needs are fulfilled
or not having my kids
all together
under one roof
but still having freedom in my heart
God, I know how utterly stupid and melodramatic that sounds.
Fucking insipid
and yet, it feels like life or death
with each promising life and death…
I just don’t know that I can choose my own death
Oh my friend.
I hate that you had to go.
Jesus I fucking hate it.
Hate it.
I want you here.
With me.
Fuck how could I have known that you were already a part of me
and having you leave
tore along a perforation I didn’t even know existed?
I didn’t even fall in love with you!
I started with love.
A filthy Samaritan kind of love.
Ohhhh this ache!
I hate this ache.
I want you.
I need you my friend.
But mostly, I just want you.