Jordan,
You. Oh you.
this isn’t the post I set out to write,
but,
I think it is the right one
this man contacted me
and we chatted
and each time I revealed a piece of me in response to one of his questions
i thought “oh! no! That is for Jordan. That is not for you.”
But I hadn’t believed that you did say you wanted me.
No declaration for exclusivity
but as you say, why do I ask these questions to which I already have an answer?
Jordan, do you want me to refrain from messaging with other men if they contact me?
I think I know the answer is yes.
So I do not need to ask you.
And I don’t need to declare to this man
whose name I know not
who’s not asked for mine
whose interest in me I care not one whit
that I have someone in whom I am interested
whose name I know
who asked about my name
about whose interest in me I care very much
and therefore am unwilling to pass the time chatting with him
and not just unwilling
but undesiring
I don’t need to tell you, either
and instead will let my own actions speak
(which is so very hard for a word girl who feels so misunderstood all the time)
(hence this post)
(because I need to declare to someone)
that I chose not to
explain myself
but to simply disappear from that place
because you and i know how to find each other
and
i have your container given as a talisman to reassure me of your desire for my return
so, I do know the answers to some of the questions
does he like me? yes
does he want me? yes
does my opinion and feeling matter to him? yes
and I’ll be patient to learn the answers to the others threatening to overwhelm this sweet time of getting to know one another with their fears and arrogant, suspicious insistance at knowing right now.
because
I wonder.
What if you’re who I see?
and, if you’re who I see you are so worth all the patience
all the frustration
the growing pains
the waitng
the ashes
the beauty.
Maya Angelou’s famous quote
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
comes to mind
I think I have seen some of who you are
and I’ll believe you
and I’ll let you write your name in the scars of my heart*
as proof that I showed up
____________________
* a nod to Pink; Jeff Bhasker; Nate Ruess